This learning is designed for a family. I created it for my own family, with my children in mind. The language throughout this site reflects that, as we have five children and my wife and I will be teaching it. If your family includes a single parent, does not consist of a "mommy" and "daddy", etc. please pardon my word choices as I speak in terms of my own - it made it easier to consistently talk this way!
Dr.
Gottman calls the four behaviors that are most destructive to
relationships, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Specifically,
these are:
- Criticism: stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality, i.e., giving the partner negative trait attributions. Example: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”
- Contempt: statements that come from a relative position of superiority. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. Example: “You’re an idiot.”
- Defensiveness: self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood. Defensiveness wards off a perceived attack. Example: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.”
- Stonewalling: emotional withdrawal from interaction. Example: The listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is “tracking” the speaker.
- Michael Atkinson
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